One of the first steps of the Minnesota Family Formation Project was to interview couples who had a child before getting married, subsequently married, and then built a stable, healthy relationship while raising their child together. We wanted to learn from these "expert couples" what it takes for a couple experiencing a non-marital birth to move to a more stable family form. The following is a profile of an expert couple. The story draws from interviews with several expert couples and does not represent any discrete couple. The names are fictitious.
Robert and Tamika were just friends for awhile, working together at the same fast food restaurant. They began dating when Robert was a senior and Tamika was a sophomore in high school. Robert always thought he would go to college but had a partying and drug habit and didn't have very good grades or enough money, so he joined the military reserves after graduating from high school.
Tamika was shocked to find out she was pregnant about halfway through her junior year—with the baby due at the beginning of her final year of high school. Tamika had been an occasional drug and alcohol user but quit as soon as she found out she was pregnant. Robert was ecstatic about the pregnancy—saw it as evidence of his manhood and went on a party binge to celebrate. When he sobered up they had the worst fight of their lives ending with Tamika breaking up the relationship, telling Robert she didn't want him involved if he wasn't going to be there for her and the baby and be the kind of father she had always thought he could be.
Robert was extremely angry until he had a talk with his grandmother who helped him come to his senses—he really did want to be involved in his child's life and not have somebody else raising his kid. He also felt deep down that he wanted to get married someday: he had a dream of having a wife and a couple of children and owning a house with a big backyard to play in. He returned to Tamika and apologized.
When Tamika told her mother that she was back with Robert, her mom flipped, saying Robert couldn't be trusted and that he would go back to partying and wouldn't be there for Tamika. Tamika's mom put so much pressure on her to break up with Robert that Tamika decided to leave home and move in with Robert, who was living with his mother. A couple of months before the baby was born they set up their own apartment.
The birth of their daughter was physically difficult for Tamika, but Robert was there supporting her and they grew much closer through the experience. Both Tamika's and Robert's mothers helped out with child care while Tamika finished high school.
Robert and Tamika talked about marriage from time to time, but neither had positive role models of successful marriages in their lives. In fact, Robert got a lot of flak from his old friends about settling down with one girl and Tamika was often told that she shouldn't get too attached to Robert because he probably wouldn't be around for very long.
Robert did a few classes at a community college and both worked low-wage jobs to stay afloat financially until Robert was called up for active military service the month before their daughter's second birthday. They had been having some very difficult times and Robert's active military service seemed like a natural breaking point or commitment-decision time. Tamika moved back in with her mother and she and Robert kept in touch by writing. After six months, Robert was coming home on a short leave and he wrote saying he wanted to marry Tamika. The feeling was mutual and they had a simple wedding during his leave.
They had many adjustments after his return to civilian life, and at one point—just after the birth of their second child—they were feeling very low about their relationship and wondering about divorce. During this time they happened to be sharing a dinner with a couple who had been married for several years. The couple talked about how they had also struggled early on but made adjustments together and got through the rough time.
Robert and Tamika decided that they both felt their relationship was worth the effort, attended a marriage retreat together, became more active in a faith community and have attended a couple of marriage enrichment classes together. They believe these activities, plus the people they have become acquainted with through their participation in these activities, have been crucial to their current success. They are expecting a third child, working together to raise their children and get Robert through college, and, despite still having struggles and disagreements, are feeling very close to one another.
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